She sat in a coffee shop reading the morning paper and sipping her white chocolate mocha. Every morning was spent in the same spot. It was an escape from her chaotic existence.

The words on the page started to run together as her heart started to beat a faster rate that normal. What the hell is going on, she thought as she put the paper down and glanced up. Oh my God, she muttered under her breath.

It was him. Her breaths became short and heavy. I'm not ready for this, she whispered as he neared her booth.

"Hello there, Long time no see. How have you been doing?"

She put the paper back down and finally stopped shaking enough to get a few words out.

"Leave me alone! You hear me, you sick bastard?! How did you know that I was here?"

"I..I…stopped by your house a..and your mother told me that I could find you here."

"Well, if she had known she wouldn't have. Get out of here and leave me alone!

He nodded, sat an envelope on the table and walked away.

She sat there in stunned silence. She remembered that day as if it was yesterday. All the bitter emotions flooded in as the tears tried to force their way to freedom.
____________________________________________________________

Just three days after her thirteenth birthday, while walking home from school she had a feeling that something was going to happen. Then from out of nowhere a car started following her slowly, and eventually drove along side of her as she walked along. The man inside was around 19 or 20, She wasn't exactly sure. He said he was a friend of her older brother's and asked if she would like a ride home. Feeling rather tired of walking she accepted his offer.

He seemed really nice, asking about her day and talking about how pretty it was outside. He seemed to be quite a gentleman, but she began to worry when the man headed in the opposite way of her house. He could tell she was a little nervous so he told her that he had a few stops to make before taking her home.

About five minutes later they were headed out into the country. The car stopped at a secluded park about five miles from the edge of town. It was late in the fall so no one was around. She started to fret. What could he possibly want with an empty park? He drove down by a wooded area next to the lake and told her to get out of the car. Out of fear she obeyed him.

He pushed her to the ground. She tried to get up, but he wouldn't let her. He tugged at her clothing; eventually removing it. He beat her and made her do things she had never done before. She screamed and cried, but it made him hurt her more so she just stopped and submitted. Finally, he got up and told her if she ever told she would be sorry. Then he left her there alone.

She was scared to return home. Her parents would surely blame her for what happened. After all, she was stupid enough to get into the car with the guy. She called her mother from a gas station up the road and told her that she was going over to a friend's house to study and not to worry if she was late.

She sat in the gas station's deli for a few hours. Finally, at eight she decided to make her way home. She snuck in the back door so no one would see her. She threw her clothes in the waste basket and got into the bath tub. She sat there for what seemed like an eternity. She scrubbed her skin until it was raw. She was so ashamed and felt so dirty.

She was so angry. That man stole something from her that day. Something she could never get back!
____________________________________________________________

Her eyes became cloudy as she relived the horrifying event in her mind. People around her began staring at her like she was some kind of freak, but she didn't care. They wouldn't understand anyway, she thought to herself. Her mind began to drift back in time to the years following the "incident".

She wanted to be free of the bitterness and anger, but held everything deep inside. Her parents noticed a change in her after that day and had commented about it several times. That only made things worse.

She spent her teenage years in isolated rebellion and wouldn't let anyone get close to her, because if they did they might find out about what had happened. She was so ashamed of it and figured if she made herself a social outcast then it wouldn't hurt as bad.

She spent years wondering what would ever happen if she had to face that man again. There was so much more she imagined she'd say. After, ten years she figured it would be easy. Boy was she wrong!

She eyed the piece paper that lay on the table and wondered what it said. Finally, she got the courage to pick it up. She opened the envelope with trembling hands. It was a letter. I can do this, she said as drew a big breath.

It read:

I know that you will probably never be able to forgive me for what I did to you that day in the park, but I want to say that I am sorry.

I have spent years grieving for you. I know I must have ruined your life. I am sorry. All that I can say is I am sorry and I wish that I could take it all back. I hope some day you will be able to forgive me, but I understand if you can't.

Sincerely,

John Anderson

I can't forgive him, she said a little louder than she intended to. He doesn't deserve it! She wanted to hate him forever, but something deep inside of her made her feel sorry for him.

She began to feel guilty about getting so angry when she saw him earlier. She didn't even give him a chance to explain.

I am such a failure. I never do anything right, she whispered as the tears streamed down her face. It was no surprise to her. In fact, it was almost expected. Failing was something she was used to. It had become a way of life.

She folded the letter, placed it in the pocket of her jeans, grabbed her cup of coffee and walked out the door. As she reached her car she looked up towards the sky and cried out, God, where were You? I needed You; I need You now, help me!

January 2005