I was bored one day while ole’ Ned was out huntin’. I couldn’t find nuthin’ on that thare TV. I looked over at the card table and said, “what the heck, I might as well turn that thing on and give er’ a try.”

It took ‘bout five minutes to get er’ ready, so I went out an’ had a smoke or two while I was waiting’. I came back in and clicked the little doo hickey that my son showed me. It done took five more minutes to load. I have crappy ole’ dial up cuz’ Ned says that we can’t afford that DSL or whatever they call it.

Then somethin’ weird happened. The stupid thing talked ta me. It said, “You’ve got mail.”

I thought I was gonna pass out. I ain’t never used one of those things before and then when I decided to it ended up being possessed by demons.

So, I done called the ole reverend to come anoint the darned thing with baby oil, I mean olive oil. Yeah that’s what it’s called, olive oil.

Well, he came over ‘bout ten minutes later. He got that oil out and dumped it all over tha screen. All the sudden he started ta hollerin.

“In the name of Jesus let this contraption go! Amen, Hallelujah, praise the Lord, I feel the spirit of the Lord in this place!”

Whew, I done felt it too, well, either that or the pickled pigs feet I ate for dinner the night before.

After he left I decided to give er’ one more try. It took me right near an hour ta clean that oil off tha screen. After I was done I turned it on again. By the time the dern thing got ready I had done smoked a whole pack of cigs, but it’s okay because I already have emphysema. I might as well enjoy my smokes while I can.

I clicked that little demon thing again and prayed. Oh man did I pray. Just as I thought I was in tha clear it happened again. It scared me so bad I almost peed myself. Leave it up to me to get a possessed computer.

Just as I was about ta give up and throw the thing out the winda down into tha burn pile ole’ Ned walked through tha door.

“Hey Betty Lou, I got us some mighty fine squirrels fer dinner.”

“How can ya think about them grubs when we got us a demon possessed contraption sitting on our card table? I got bored an’ turned it on and it talked ta me. The reverend came over and oiled it, but it still ain’t workin’.”

“Didja call Junior? He’s the one who brought that tool of tha devil in here. Make him take it back.”

“He tole’ me that we had ta have one of these things so we could be up ta date with tech knowledgy, whatever that means. I’ll call him and tell him ta come and get it though.”

“Hello? Yer talkin’ ta my answerin’ machine. Leave me a message and I’ll return yer call when I git home from coon huntin’.” *Beeeeep*

“Junior, Are ya there? This is mom… Well, I reckon ya’s really out huntin’ them coons. Me an’ yer dad want ya ta come git that computer. It’s possessed by demons and we don’t want it in tha trailer anymore. Please come as soon as possible. Love ya.”

“He ain’t home Ned. What should we do?”

“I reckon we turn it on and try ta git the demon out ourselves.”

So, that’s jus’ what we did. Another pack of cigs and a few beers later we were ready ta click tha thing that caused all tha trouble. Ned hit tha button and we waited. As usual it started talking. “You’ve got mail.”

“Betty Lou git my gun, it’s alive!”

I got tha gun like he asked me to. I wanted that thing ta die.

Just as ole’ Ned was about ta pull tha trigger Junior burst through tha door.

“Dad, stop! That thing cost me a cow and two coon dogs!”

“It’s possessed, son.”

“Let me look it over before you do somethin’ to it.”

We both stepped back and let Junior take over. He clicked and wrote on that thing with letters on it and finally it was that dreaded time. He clicked the button from Hell. We all waited and waited. Once again the words came loud and clear, “You’ve got mail.”

“See? It did it again. It keeps talkin' at us. I am gettin' skeered.”

Junior started ta laugh. I didn’t think it was funny at all. It’s just like that kid ta make jokes and poke fun when somethin’ bad is goin’ on. He’s got tha brains of a bird sometimes.

“Quit laughing ya fool. Git that evil thing out of my trailer.”

“But, Ma, it ain’t got no devils.”

“Then why does it talk ta me all the time?”

“It has ta, ma, it’s what they call email. It won’t hurt ya I promise. Here let me show ya how ta use it.”

“Ya mean it’s spose ta tell me things? Well, I’ll be darned. A contraption that talks, What will they think of next?”

So, that’s what happened, a story never truer. Now me an’ ole’ Ned even use somethin’ they call an instant messenger. Junior can write to us from four towns over an’ it comes on tha screen an’ we can write back.

Now we’re up to date on our tech knowledgy Maybe next year ole’ Ned’ll put in some indoor plumbing.

3-19-05