The other day I was lisnin’ to the country music station and they done told us to call in and we could win us some concert tickets. Well, I ain’t never been to no concert before so I called and lo' and behold, I won the dern things. I was so excited that I done made rabbit stew for supper so we could cellerbrate.

“Hey Ned, I won us some concert tickets.”

“What’s a concert Betty Lou?”

“I weren’t too sure myself, so I done called Junior and asked him. He said it’s where music folks come out and sing at us. He said to make sure we wear our steel toed boots if’n we is gonna be up front cuz they get right near brutal up thare.”

“So, why is we goin’ if we’re gonna git killed, Betty Lou?”

“Because I won us some tickets, ya ole fool.”

Well, Ned weren’t near as happy as I was, but I figgered he’d come round’soon nuff'. My friend Thelma Anne told me she done went to one of them concerts once and it weren’t near as bad as Junior said because no one stepped on her toes, well, cept that man that couldn’t do the boot scootin’ boogy to save his hind quarters. So, we ain’t got nuthin’ to worry bout’, afterall, it’s just ole Kenny Chesney.

My mind was right near a mess the day of the concert. I couldn’t decide what I was gonna wear and my new wig got runned over by the dog, but that stuff wasn’t gonna ruin my day.

“Postman Henry, ya got our tickets to the concert?”

“Why, yes I do, Betty Lou.”

“Oh, I jus’ can’t wait, I ain’t never been to a concert before.”

“You’ll have fun, Betty Lou. I took my son to see the Backstreet Boys last year and we loved it. See you later.”

“Thanks! Have a good day now, Henry.”

When I opened the envelope I was surprised to see that they weren’t no Kenny Chesney tickets, they was some new country band, I guess. They were called Metallica. I figgered that they’d be aliright though so we was gonna go anyhow.

“Ned, I got the tickets, but we ain’t gonna see Kenny, it’s a new guy called Metallica.”

“Well, I hope he's good. I done been hankerin’ to try the boot scootin’ boogy for years.”

“Oh Ned, this is gonna be so much fun.”

“I hope so, I done bought me a new pair of jeans, boot cut n’ everything.”

I decided to wear my handkerchief print skirt, my red blouse, and my best black Sunday shoes. Ned wore his tight blue jeans and his new flannel shirt…

“Whew Ned, you be lookin’ good, downright better than the day we got hitched.”

“Thanka Betty Lou, you ain’t lookin’ too shabby yerself.”

“Aight, lets git to that concert, Ned. I can’t wait much longer.”

So, we was on our way. That ole Chevy couldn’t move fast enough fer me. I hafta admit that I was kinda skeered though. I mean, if’n that Metallica guy wanted to dance with me he’d find out that I got two left feet. I mean, I really have two left feet. I was born that way.

“Here we are, Betty Lou. By the looks of it we ain’t never gonna find a place to park.”

“There’s a place, Ned. Over in that MacDonalds parkin' lot.”

“Aight, That looks like a good pla….What is that awful sound? It sounds like someone’s guitar is right near to dyin’

“Maybe they is just practicin’ or sumthin, Ned.”

“I hope that's it cuz it's hurtin’ my ears, Betty Lou.”

“Well, let’s go in and have us a look.”

So, that’s what we did. We went in and the noise got louder and louder. We was almost skeered near to death, but I was goin’ in that concert if it was the last thing we did. I had to cuz Thelma Anne would want to know all about it.

It looked like a dern funeral in there. All the people had on black clothes and dark sunglasses. The music sounded like no country I ever heard of. It was loud and had lyrics like:

“All the shots I take
What difference did I make?
All the shots I take
I spit back at you

I won’t go away, with a bullet in my back
Right here I’ll stay, with a bullet in my back”

They seemed like downright angry boys. They needed a good whoopin’ is what they needed, the way they was screaming cuss words at us and stuff. I almost fainted.

“Ned, let’s go git us a closer seat. Ima have a talkin’ to with these boys when they are done yellin’ at us. Thare ain’t no call fer that at all.”

“Betty Lou, ya sure ya wanna get closer? Those people up thare is throwin’ each other n’ stuff. They might hurt us and we didn’t wear our steel toed boots.

Oh my Lord have mercy, That guy just fell clean off the stage! This ain’t like no country music I ever heard, Ned.”

“It ain’t country, Betty Lou, it’s that Devil’s music, I think.”

“Ned, That guy over thare jus’ said them people up front is makin’ mashed taters. Let’s go get some.”

“Okay, Betty Lou, I guess that wouldn’t hurt none. I like me some mashed taters.”

So, we worked our way thru all them people and made it to the front. They wasn’t makin’ no taters at all. That guy done lied to me or sumthin' when he said there was a mashed pit up front. If I coulda found him I’da done turned him over my knee.

“Ned, where are you?”

“Betty Lou, I’m up here…HELP!”

“Oh my gooness! Put my Ned down right now you lil fools. Haven’t ya any manners?”

The didn’t speak. All they done was drop ole Ned right on the floor. I wanted to kick their little hineys, but Ned wouldn’t let me.

“I’m gonna kill em, Ned.”

“Don’t worry bout’ them, Betty Lou. Let’s jus’ git outta here before we git killed.”

“Fine.”

I pouted the whole way home cuz I wanted to teach them kids a lesson and who was boss. Ned ruins all my fun all the time. He ain’t no fun.

“Betty Lou, doncha ever call in and git us concert tickets again, ya hear me?”

“Yes, Ned, I ain’t never doin’ that again. Johnny Cash would roll over in his grave if’n he heard what country music sounds like now.”

“I know it. I jus’ couldn’t believe my eyes and ears. I'm glad it’s over now."

Well, that was one of the scariest days I done ever had. I ain’t never gonna do that again. They didn’t even let us dance or nuthin’ and what really made me so mad was that they ate all them mashed taters before we done got up front to the mashed pit. Kids are so dern selfish these days.