The other day ole Ned an' me had our first run in with drugs. Junior told us that it’d clear our minds after the stress of the computer demon. I knowed it was wrong, but I gave into the temptation anyhow.

Junior done told us to start off with something light. He said weed would be the thing to use. So, I done went out into the back yard. We got lots of them things out there. I picked a good bunch of them weeds and put them in the stove on 350 degrees for ten minutes to make sure they were good n' dried. Then ole Ned and me we went onto the porch and lit them suckers up.

“Who woulda knowed ya could clear yer head with weeds from yer back yard?”, I said to ole Ned as I took a drag.”

“I ain’t feeling nuthin’, Betty Lou, but these weeds sher do stink. There has to be another way.”

So, when them weeds didn’t work we went inside and called Junior. Surely he had something else up his sleeves.

“Hello?”

“Junior, ya need to help me and yer ma, them weeds ain’t done nuthin fer our minds. Ya got sumthin a little stronger?”

“Okay dad, I was hopin that the weed would do the trick, but I guess we will have to git something a mite stronger. How bout’ snortin some coke up yer nose?” Why doncha try that, okay?”

So, me and ole Ned decided to give some coke a try. I went into the kitchen to fetch us some coke. I searched high and low for the darned stuff and I just couldn’t see none. So, we used Pepsi instead.

That stuff almost burnt our brains out. We wanted to clear our minds not erase our whole dang brains. We was madder than a hornets nest so we had to make another call.

“Hello?”

Junior, we almost burnt our brains out. What were ya thinking? Yer mom is trying to poke through her ear with a dang Q-tip to make her brain’s still thare!"”

“Did ya use a straw?”

“No, we hung upside down from the swing set’s monkey bars and she dumped it up my nose and then I dumped it up hers. “

“Well, try a straw this time. It should work more better.”

“Okay Junior, Talk to ya later.”

So, we went back into the kitchen and grabbed us some of them drinking straws. This time we went out onto the back porch so we could have some good old country fresh air while we snorted our Pepsi.

It’s seemed okay at first, but after 30 seconds or so it started up to burnin again.

“Ned, I think I’s gonna die.”

“Maybe we should just see what else Junior knows about”

“good idear”

“HELLO?”

“Junior? This is ma, ya sound mad. Did I call at a bad time?”

“Oh no not at all. I was just in the middle of doing something with Mindy Sue.”

“What!? Ya mean ya ‘s doin the nasty with that girl?”

“Ma, we done been married ten years, of course I am. What ya needin?”

“Oh, well, we is needin sumthin else because that last stuff done tried to burn our brains outside our heads.”

“Well, to get good and stoned ya need to smoke some joints. They jus’ might do the trick.”

“Okay, thanks son, now get back to Mindy Sue.”

So, we figured it wouldn’t hurt none to try it. Ole Ned went and fetched our lighters from the bedroom and I sat on the couch and waited. When he got back I started to not wanna go through with it,

“Ned, Do ya reckon this is safe? I mean wer going to light our elbows on fire. It makes my innards turn to think of it.”

“Well, I don’t reckon Junior would tell us to do something that might would hurt us none. Let’s try it.”

So, there we was sittin’ on the couch. I told Ned that I wanted to smoke his elbow first. So, I done took the lighter and lit a fire. I nearly gagged to death, His elbow was so big.

“Ned? NED?? Answer me, did I hurt you?”

Through gasps he replied, “My arm is on fire! Call 911!”

So, I dumped some water on it and put the dern thing out. It was rawer than a pigs behind. I was downright happy we tried it on ole Ned first, even if I did feel bad about his elbow.

“Ned, I ain’t feelin’ stoned yet.”

“Well, we'll take care of that I reckon. Let’s go outside.”

So, that’s what we did. We went outside and me and ole Ned showed no mercy. We hucked one stone after nother at each other. It hurt like the devil, but one things for sher. We finally cleared our minds.

3-20-05