Let me tell ya, I ain’t too keen on them fancy eatin’ places. They just ain’t my cuppa tea. Them places cost an arm and a leg and we only git enough to feed our big toe, so I’m told, but ole Ned said we was goin’ because it was our annie versary.

We done bin married twenty-five years now and we ain’t never done nothin’ fancy. This year ole Ned decided we was gonna keep up with the Jones’s and the Smith’s. Them all done went to that fancy eatin’ place called Pizza Hut on their annie versaries and Junior done told is it was the finest eatin’ place on the east coast so we reckoned we’d giver a try. All we ever done is eat at MacDonalds and it’s downright too fancy for my liking.

I was as nervous as a deer in huntin’ season and I done near bit my fingernails clean off. It felt like a whole gang of them butterflies was in my tummy. I thought they was gonna eat my innerds and leave me for dead.

“Ned, do we hafta go? Maybe we should jus’ stay on home and make some rabbit stew. I wouldn’t mind, I swear it.”

“Don’t worry yer pretty lil britches Betty Lou, we’ll be okay.”

“What if you can’t read the menu, Ned?”

“Why do you always act like I'm stupid, Betty Lou? I done near passed the third grade.”

“Alright you ain’t stupid you is dumb. Now let’s go git ready.”

So, it took me a real long time to get ready, darned near five minutes. I wanted to look good for my ole Ned. I put on my Sunday best and my finest wig, I even used some of that there red stuff on my lips. I never wear that stuff, not even to church. Well, I did wear it once to church and that darned reverend done told me I looked like Jezebel. He said I would be excommunisticated if I showed up with it on again.

I was finally ready; I even brushed my teeth with paste because it was a special day. I walked into the living room like I was one of those there super models on TV, but of course I knowed I done looked better.

“Whew Betty Lou, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes? We might should go back to that thare bedroom before we go.”

Oh, Ned, hush, you are right near to makin’ me blush. Let’s get goin’.”

So we was on our way to Pizza Hut, the finest eatin’ place in all of Forsyth county. We was gonna have the best annie versary ever, I thought to myself, even though I was right near skeered to death.

“Ned, Oh my goo’ ness, we done fergot to make an appointment, what if they won’t let us eat thare?”

“Hush now, Betty Lou, I done told you It’ll be alright.”

“Okay. Oh Ned, there it is! It looks so nice. I hope I’m not under dressed.”

“Betty Lou, yer in yer Sunday best, I think it’ll be fine.”

“I sure hope so.”

We pulled into the parking lot and parked the old Chevy in the handicapped space because ole Ned shot his knee cap almost clean off once when he was trying to shoot him a rabbit so he gets one of them lil signs to hang on our mirra.

We walked in and waited to be sat down because the sign done said “wait to be seated”. That was when I knew it was the most finest eatin’ place I ever laid my eyes on.

“Ned, do you think we can afford this? Yer disability check didn’t come in the mail today.”

“We gonna afford it even if I have to warsh the dang dishes, Betty Lou.”

“Oh Ned, you are too sweet to me. I could just give you a noogie right here.”

“I don’t think that is such a good idear, Betty Lou, because this place is too nice for that kind of stuff, I reckon.

About five minutes later a server girl named Mary Beth took us to our table. It was so fancy, the menus were plastic and they done had forks and knives on the table. I felt so out of place and people were starin’ at me funny. Right then and there I wished we’d gone to MacDonalds. At least there I wouldna felt like a fish outta water.

The server girl come and took down what we was hankerin’ for. I done got a large sized pizza with mushrooms, anchovies, and pineapple. I ain’t never had pineapple or anchovies on pizza so I hadda try it. Ole Ned just got plain old pepperoni because he don’t like to try new things.

The food was good. I done ate the whole dang pizza even though they put fish on it for some reason and never gave me no anchovies. Ole Ned had the backdoor trots so he done stopped after four pieces. All was well until I overheard some people at the table next to us laughing and saying things about my dress so I done got flamin’ mad as a mule.

“What ya think ya doin’ pokin’ fun at my dress, doncha know this here is a fancy eatin’ place? Yer the one who’s dressed wrong ya dumbass. Now mind yer own business fool!”

They was in shock, so they didn’t speak. They just got up and went and talked to a server guy and then left. That was fine with me because I didn’t like them none, good riddance.

Well, a few minutes later that server guy come over to our table and told us that we was gonna hafta be leavin’. That rude son of a monkey was gonna make us leave before we was done. I was madder than a hornet. Ned told me to settle down, but I didna listen. I was gonna set that man straight, yer darn tootin’.

“Who do you think ya are to up and make us leave before we are good n’ ready? We is paying people, ya can’t make us leave. I thought we is in a free country. How dare ya come and bother us like this.”

“Mam, I am sorry but you have disrupted the peace in our restaurant. Your outburst awhile ago was uncalled for, so I have to ask you to leave now….”

I cut him off.

“What! Ned hold me back, ima sock him right clean in the nose!”

“Betty Lou, Settle yerself, fightin’ ain’t gonna do no good.”

“Umm Mam, I am going to have to call the police if you don’t leave the premises immediately.”

“Fine we is goin’. Let’s go Ned.”

“Okay, Betty Lou, let’s just git outta here before we git in trouble with the law, member I ain’t paid the car tags this year and they done been expired for two months. “

So we paid for our pizza and left that fancy eatin’ place. We decided we ain’t never goin’ back thare. So, we went to the Walmart and bought us some pizza out of the refrigerators and some RC Cola then we went home and watched us some Nascar fer awhile. Then we had sum real fun, but I can’t talk about that because ole Ned would skin me alive. I'll jus’ say he is the best “wham bam thanka mam” in the whole entire county and I ain’t lyin!’