It all started when I was right near to chokin’ on a chicken bone the other day. Ole Ned done threw me on the floor and was jumpin on my back. Well, He done near killed me right then n’ thare. So, he called up 411 and got the number to 911 and called for me an amberlance.

“Ned, git off me you fool. I can’t breathe!”

“I is jus’ tryna git that thare bone out from yer throat.”

“That thare emergency worker guy said not to touch me anymore Ned.”

“Oh, what does he know about gittin’ a chicken bone outta throats?”

“I reckon more than you, ya ole coot.”

“Yeah, whatever”, Ned mumbled.

About thirty minutes later we heard sirens, or I did at least. Ole Ned done turned his hearing aid off for some reason. He does that a lotta times and I can’t figger out why. Anyhow, the worker guy got inside the house after breaking into a window and crawlin on through because Ned done hurt me bad and I couldn’t git up or nuthin and ole Ned is right near to deaf without them hearin’ aids turned on.

“Sir, didn’t you hear me knocking at the door?”

“Huh, you say I shoulda beat on my wife some more?”

“No, I had to remove the duct tape and crawl through your window.”

“You put on a Superman cape an’ ya saw a black widow?”

“Ma’am, is your husband alright?”

“Ole Ned alright? He ain’t right in the head. He keeps turnin’ his hearin’ aids off. Once I told him to get a roast out of the freezer and he thought I said, “Get me some toast ya old geezer.” I just don’t know why he’s gotta go n’ turn them things off. We bought em at the Salvation Army thrift shop for fifty cents. They was highway robbery!”

“Okay ma’am, my name is Gary, what seems to be the problem today?”

“Well, we was eatin’ our Sunday chicken and all the sudden I swallered a big ole bone and started to chokin’. Well, Ole Ned threw me on the floor and started jumpin’ up n’ down on my back. I told him to stop, but he was scared I reckon. He got it out, but he broke my back or sumthin’ n’ now I can’t move or nuthin. “

“Okay, let me call for some help so we can get you into the ambulance.”

“Thanka sir.”

So, the nice man called in some more fellas to git me in the amberlance and a few minutes later they walked through the door with a bed that looked like a board with a sheet thrown on top. I figgered they knew what they was doin’ though cuz’ they done been to doctor school. Ned jus’ about had a heart attack when he saw all these young men walkin’ in our house.

“Betty! You called men over to the house? And right in front my eyes. How could ya?”

“Oh Shut up Ned, they’s the amberlance people. They done come to fix my back that you broke.”

“They’s dance people and they come to have some beers and smokes? After all I done for you?”

“Ned, turn them ears back on ya hear me?”

“I never turned em off, Betty. I think they may be broke or sumthin.”

“Oh, they better not be. We paid fifty cents for them things. No way we gonna find another pair we can afford. I saw some at the Goodwill for a dollar fifty, but that’s jus’ downright too high…”

“Okay ma’am we are going to lift you onto the stretcher now.”

“Ohh, you’s the amberlance people, sorry fer cusin’ ya of being Betty’s man friends.”

“It’s okay sir, but you really need to go see a doctor about your ears. They could fix you right up.”

“Naw, I’ll be aight. The guy at the Salvation Army told me that he cleaned all the ear wax off the hearin’ aids n’ everything. Now that is what I call service.”

“Whatever floats your boat, sir.”

“You can’t find the remote? Whatcha need a remote for? We ain’t got one.”

“Ummm, I didn’t say that.”

“I know I was jus’ yankin’ yer chain”, Ned said with a grin.

Well, we finally got all loaded up n’ Ned decided to drive the Chevy behind the amberlance so we wouldn’t hafta call Junior to come n’ pick us up. On the way there Gary tied me down to the bed. I ain’t been tied to a bed since that time ole Ned and me played cops and robbers on our anniversary ten years ago.

“We gonna play cops and robbers, Mr. Gary?”

“No ma’am, you are tied to the bed so you don’t move and injure yourself any more.”

“Oh, okay, good cuz’ I don’t think Ole Ned woulda liked it none if we played that game.”

Gary nodded and smiled at me like I was crazy or sumthin’. I think I even done heard him say he don’t git paid near nuff’ to be a dealing with the likes of me. Maybe I done heard him wrong though.

We got to the hospital n’ my bed had wheels so they rolled me in. Ole Ned had to fill in papers, but I dunno how he did it cuz’ he only got a third grade readin’ score. I guess a nurse hadda do it or sumfin’ anyway, he got back and the doctor guy took some pictures of my back. We sat and waited for what seemed like four episodes of The Andy Griffith Show. The doctor finally came back and told us that I had a broken tail bone.

‘I ain’t got no tail so how’d I break something I ain’t got, doctor?”

“Basically you broke your butt bone, ma’am. Until we can do surgery to fix it you may need to use a doughnut pillow for comfort.”

“A piller made of doughnuts? That’s dumb. My butt will get all sticky and ants will get on me. No sir, I am not using a doughnut piller.”

“Ma’am, you’ll be fine. Just remember there are a few things that you should avoid until after surgery such as sex, excessive cleaning, and basically anything that requires you to move around a lot. I’ll have the nurse schedule a surgery time for sometime next week. Here’s a prescription for some Vicodin for the pain.”

“What’s sex mean, doctor?”

“Well, ma’am didn’t you say you have a son? It’s what you did when you got knocked up with him.”

“Ohhh, you mean like cops and robbers. That was lotsa fun. We don’t do that anymore cuz ole Ned done fergot how ta play.”

“Thanks, Doctor I’ll go to the Walmart n’ try ta find one of them pillers ya mentioned, but I prolly oughtta buy some ant killer stuff too, I reckon. We’ll be seein’ ya.”

Try to have a good day, Ned and Betty. See you guys next week.”

So, that’s it. I done broke my butt and now I hafta get my backside cut open with a knife. I done looked fer a doughnut piller at the Walmart, but I couldn’t find nuthin’. I guess it’s fer the better cuz’ ole Ned woulda jus’ tried to eat it anyways He don’t need no more sugar on account of he’s got Diabetes and all. Well, I reckon that’ll do it for this un’ cuz I can’t sit no more. My butt is a hurtin’ me.

6-08-05