We reckoned we’d do us some Christmas shopping early this year, so we done loaded ourselves in the Chevy and headed for the Walmart. It was last Friday if I remember right, no, it was Saturday. Well, anyhow Walmart is the best store in all of Kentucky. I think it is anyhow, I ain’t really ever been outta the county before, so, I could be tellin’ a lie.

“Ned, ya got the money?”

“Yes, I took twenny dollars outta the coffee can on the fridge. Ya think that’ll be aight?”

“Wow! We is goin’ on a real shoppin’ spree. I might right near faint handlin’ all that cash!”

“I know it, Betty, It’ll be downright fun. Almost like the time we square-danced all night ‘round Grandma Sue’s urn.”

“Oh, yeah that was real fun until cousin Henry done tripped and spilled granma all over the livin’ room. Whatta mess. I had a helluva time gettin’ her swept back up.”

“Speaking of Henry, didja call and invite him over for some chittlins on Christmas Eve, Betty Lou?”

“Well, no, but it’s jus’ April an’ Christmas ain’t until July.”

“Aight, well, here we is. Now if’n we can find us a parkin’ space all will be good.”

Walmart and twenny whole dollars ta spend. I right near peed my pants thinkin’ bout it. When we got inside I was headed straight for them videos. I figgered I could go hog wild thare. I knew Junior would love them Dukes of Hazzard movies and I’d do anything for that boy, but the dern greeter stopped me in my tracks.

“Well, hello there ma’am?”

“Uh, Hi who might ya be?”

“I am the greeter. See my name tag? I have to shake your hand before you go into the store haven’t you been here before?”

“Well, Yeah, but we shouldna be forced to shake yer hand. That oughtta be against the law! You grabbin’ me like that.”

“I’m sorry ma’am, I was just trying to be nice.”

“Well, that didna seem to nice, ya fool! I oughtta tell yer boss.”

“Oh no, I am sorry I offended you. Here have a smiley face sticker. It will make everything better, you’ll see.”

“Aww you flirtin’ with me? That’s right near sweet of ya. Thanka fer the sticker. See Ned you could use ta take some lessons from that old man. You ain’t never given me no smiley sticker.”

“I didn’t know you liked em Betty Lou, let’s go git us some shoppin’ done.”

So, we was finally on our way to the movie part of the store. I was sittin’ thare in the clouds after that man took a shinin’ to me. When you git as old as I am those kinda things maka feel right near good, but I think it made Ned a lil’ jeaous. He didn’t say nuthin’ ‘bout it tho.”

“Oh my sweet Lord Jesus, Ned, those dang movies are fifteen dollars themselves. What we gonna do?”

“Well, I reckon we git him one of em and see what else we can afford for the others.”

“Oh, I know. Junior’s wife has been wantin’ some new perfume. Maybe we could git her some of that.”

“Aight, where is the dern stuff, Betty Lou?”

“I dunno we just hafta hunt fer it I reckon.”

So we got over to the perfume place. There were so many kinds to choose from and they all seemed to say they were from the toilet. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why that girl would want something from the toilet. Kids these days are so weird.

“Good Heavens to Betsy, Ned, these dern toilet water bottles are right near twenny dollars a piece.”

“Well, we ain’t buyin’ that. Whatta ‘bout these things over here?”

“What ya mean, Ned? Those Key chains? That girl don’t even know how ta drive. What she gonna do with a key chain, Ned?”

“I dunno, but it’s only a dollar.”

“How “bout this Ned.”

“What in the name of Moses is that, Betty Lou?”

“I dunno it says it files your fingernails.” It sounds nice. I guess after you cut the nails off you some how put em in thare and it files them away or sumthin.”

“Wow! An’ it only costs fifty cents. Let’s get everyone one of them.”

“Aight, We have to git eight more gifts. Ned. What does that leave us?”

“Lessee…We come out with a dollar to spare. I toldja we was gonna have a spree, Betty Lou.”

“Aight, let’s go pay fer this stuff and git home.”

We waited in that line for what seemed like forever, but it was worth it cuz’ we done got a steal! Dukes of Hazzard movie and eight finger nail filers. Wow, we done good. Ned, don’t like spendin’ money so he was a lil’ fidgety in line. He thinks that buyin’ things fer people on Christmas is wrong cuz’ it’s the Lord’s birthday, but I do it anyhow.

“Hey there did you two find everything you need?”

“Why we sure nuff did. We even found some nice finger nail filers. Those will be the best gifts the family has ever got.”

“Oh, are there a lot of birthdays coming up soon?”

“No ma’am, they is fer Christmas.”

“Oh, you buy stocking stuffers this early?”

“Why would I wanna stuff them things in my stockings? They are the best thing I done ever seen!”

The girl looked at me like I was one flake short of a box of cereal. She didn’t talk to me the whole rest of the time. I dunno why these teenagers these days hafta be so snotty. I could whoop her ass any day I wanted to. After we done paid I snatched my bag and didn’t even give her a smile. On the way out we saw that greeter again. I swear he done winked at me, but ole Ned didn’t notice. I’m glad cuz’ I didn’t wanna start no scene or nuthin, but I winked back.

“So, Ned, we are done with our shoppin’. Aren’t ya glad?”

“Yeah, but I ain’t seein’ no reason why we hafta buy so much stuff when it ain’t even their birthday.”

“It’s nice to give, Ned. It shows ya care.”

“They know I care anyhow, Betty.” I just can’t see why they have Christmas two times a year. It is down right crazy is what it is. No one has two birthdays. It’s impossible.”

“Well, maybe they do it cuz’ some people can’t celerbrate on the real day, Ned.”

“That’s jus’ crazy. Thare ain’t no call for Christmas in July!”

4-08-05